Redge

So i've had this story on my PC for a couple of years now and I figured a fast paced dialogue would be a nice juxtaposition against the first story, which was almost all filled with discription of action.


RICH: Where is it?
BARRY: What
RICH: The cheese.
BARRY: What cheese?
RICH: The wheel of stilton
BARRY: What wheel of stilton?
RICH: The wheel of stilton I bought 6 weeks ago
BARRY: What?
RICH: The wheel of stilton I bought 6 weeks ago and have been saving until my special bottle of Tokay arrived.
BARRY: err
RICH: I’ve been talking about it since Christmas, I finally find one of the most expensive and rare stilton’s in the U.K. and to make the most out of it I ordered a bottle of very special Hungarian tokay over the internet so I could sit down, after a day working at phones for you..
BARRY: Phones 4 u for less chica chica chica fones 4 u
RICH: Will you shut up, where the hells my stilton, my wine came in this morning and I told you that I was going to drink it with the stilton after work on my way out. Where’s my stilton???
BARRY: Your stilton?
RICH: YES!
BARRY: Oh that was your stilton?... Well there’s a short version and a long version
RICH: What’s the short version, coz I swear if…
BARRY: Whoa whoa whoa, who said any things happened to it? Right I’m just going to put the kettle on, do you want a cup…
RICH: BARRY, my stilton
BARRY: Ok, so just after you left I got a call from work saying that I was fired for shitting in the urinals, yeah well needless to say I was bummed
RICH: You got bummed, what by a bloke?
BARRY: No I was bummed, bummed out, annoyed
RICH: right, sorry for the homo mix up
BARRY: so I rang up Redge, to go for a couple of drinks
RICH: Redge? Crazy Redge? Crazy drunken Redge?
BARRY: Yeah
RICH: What time was this?
BARRY: 8.45
RICH: In the morning?
BARRY: I WAS BUMMED, so we went for a couple and well, Redge drank a pint of vodka and pissed himself
RICH: Jesus, how longs this going to take, where’s my cheese
BARRY: I’m getting to that, Redge pissed himself
RICH: right I’m gonna sit down… who the hells that?
BARRY: Who
RICH: Under the sheet on the sofa.
BARRY: Redge, who dya think
RICH: You let the drunken crazy man piss all over the sofa in our living room
BARRY: Nope
RICH: good
BARRY: I let the drunken crazy man piss all over your bed!
RICH: What!?
BARRY: Just messing
RICH: Is he wearing my clothes?
BARRY: yeah well I couldn’t have him walking round the house in his piss rags
RICH: What’s wrong with your clothes!
BARRY: There at the cleaners
RICH: Right. Sod it! The cheese!!!???
BARRY: Oh yeah, so Redge had pissed himself and I put him in the shower and then in to your clothes and
RICH: What’s that smell? Smells like piss and shit all in a mouldy marmite jar
BARRY: Well its not me, and its not Redge coz I showered him and put him in your clothes
RICH: Well it’s coming from the sofa. What’s he been doing under the sheet
BARRY: Nah won’t be Redge he’s clean
RICH: I don’t believe it he’s in my sodding clothes and he’s pissed and shit himself
BARRY: Accident?
RICH: Cheers Barry, you’re a real mate… I don’t believe it
BARRY: Sure you don’t want that tea?
RICH: No BARRY, just tell me where the FUCKING CHEESE IS!
BARRY: Well Redge got out of the shower and into your clothes and some how it happened, I don’t really know how, but…
RICH: what happened, what did he do with my cheese?!
BARRY: oh no not your cheese, it happened so quickly it’s hard to say
RICH: WHAT. HAPPENED. BARRY?!
BARRY: Well, he got something jammed up his arse.
RICH: WHAT!
BARRY: Yeah I know impressive for someone who’s paraplegic
RICH: Paralytic Barry, not the point, how did he do that when he was wearing my trousers?
BARRY: I guess he cut a hole in the arse area…
RICH: Cut a hole in the arse area. Oh great Barry just great. So you’re telling me that I now have a pair of trousers covered in shite with a hole in the arse? Well at least now I’ve got easy access and an inviting smell if I ever go to a GAY GANGBANG! Or I could just bring Redge along, give him a yard of petrol and hire him out as a kinky rent boy all night!
BARRY: I think that’s illegal mate
RICH: I KNOW IT’S FUCKING ILLEAGLE. Sod it sod it sod it sod it. Bollocks, where’s my cheese???
BARRY: I’m getting there, you are impatient today
RICH: Barry, I’m really pissed off, what happened to the stilton
BARRY: So Redge is unconscious and got this thing lodged up his shitter and I says to myself- what should I do now, I tried tugging at the thing but I just couldn’t get it out. So I thought I know I’ll call a taxi and get him to get fixed up at the hospital
RICH: and
BARRY: well I called the cab, and I thought id just have a quick game playing with the Wii to get a new high score on bowling. I tell you what mate you’ve got some catching up to do I laid down 3 strikes in a row, then a spare. Only to lose out on the 7 -10 split, but I just managed to pull it back
RICH: BARRY would you get the hell on and finish the story
BARRY: Jesus keep your shit stained trousers on… too soon for jokes? Right well I sort of got lost in the game and forgot time and ended up playing for about 2 hours and the taxi never came, and then I realised I told the wrong address.
RICH: What???
BARRY: Yeah told them my address at my place last year
RICH: The cheese Barry
BARRY: so I rang back and he eventually came and then I didn’t have any cash, so he wouldn’t take us
RICH: So what did you do?
BARRY: I paid him in cheese
RICH: YOU gave a taxi drive my most prized food for a trip to the hospital which you could have got an ambulance to take you for free.
BARRY: nope
RICH: WHAT
BARRY: He didn’t take us in the end
RICH: you mean he wouldn’t accept the cheese as payment, well there’s a surprise
BARRY: oh no he took the cheese and fucking sped off
RICH: Barry… there had… I’m going to kill you
BARRY: wait wait wait, there’s a happy ending to all this, trust me
RICH: fine
BARRY: so I took Redge inside and put I’m on the sofa and what should fall out of his pocket, a half full bottle of Jack
RICH: I don’t understand, you get a half empty bottle
BARRY: half full, such a pessimist you are
RICH: what ever, bottle of jack and then what
BARRY: I drunk it, and fell asleep, all that Wii bowling had tired me out
RICH: OK so then what
BARRY: you came in and started asking about cheese
RICH: HOW is that a happy ending?
BARRY: Happy for me I got half a bottle of jack in me and a good kip after a crummy day
RICH: Right that’s it. I want a new flat mate.
BARRY: Come on
RICH: I’m fucking serious, you don’t do fuck al around here and then shit like this happens
BARRY: I’ve had a bad day too you know, I got the sack, you miserable git
RICH: From a job where you were shitting in the urinals
BARRY: Everybody does it!
RICH: You were the janitor!
BARRY: Well fuck it; I can see you don’t understand my art
RICH: I’m sorry mate, just been a tough day, was really looking forward to the wine and stilton
BARRY: Yeah, sorry to, didn’t mean to unno…
RICH: But that’s alright, the wines arrived I just have to drink it with out the cheese. Where is it by the way?
BARRY: well you know how Redge got that thing lodged in his arse…